Sugar Skulls

He quietly straightened his back a little, like that did anything. His eyes stung but didn’t leave the shrine. Staring blankly as a tear rolled down his cheek. A warm hand was at his face wiping it away.

“I don’t deserve your tears, anymore than you deserve the fears that I have left you with.”

Kuai wanted to argue that the man standing beside him wasn’t his husband. His husband was buried on an isolated mountain in Iceland. The man at his side was Hanzo Hasashi, yes, but not his Hanzo Hasashi. He was just a ghost who refused to fade away. Still he couldn’t find it in him to dismiss Scorpion completely. Even if he wasn’t the Hanzo he knew and loved, he was as close to him as he’d ever get again.

“Did you need something, Scorpion?” He decided not to address the glaring obvious facts. Even as he felt his hand twitch with the urge to reach out for Scorpion’s hand.

“I merely wished to comfort you,” Scorpion explained, his hand still warm again Kuai’s cheek. “I know the pain you are going through all too well.”

“Thank you, but I am fine,” Kuai said, trying to pull back and away from Scorpion.

“You have been out here for 2 hours.” Scorpion shook his head, beneath his mask, his brow creased. Kuai gave him an uneasy stare. Had he really been standing for 2 hours? It certainly hadn’t felt like it. Not when he was wrapped up in happy yet painful memories.

He reached to tuck some stray hairs behind his ear, “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

He felt his heart stop when Scorpion’s hand replaced his own, stroking back his hair. One of Hanzo’s favourite pastimes was playing with Kuai’s hair. He jerked back in panic, his face feeling hot as he stumbled backwards. He covered his mouth with his hand as Scorpion’s brow raised and eyes widened. Scorpion held his hands up, as if trying to placate the man in front of him.

“I apologise, I didn’t mean to overstep your boundaries,” Scorpion quickly added. “I’ve noticed you react better to physical comfort, and just wanted to offer you that.”

How closely had Scorpion been watching to see what he reacted better to? Kuai reached for his own shirt, gripping the fabric tightly. His gaze dropped to his shoes, bowing his head to try and hide his face. He didn’t want Scorpion to see how upset he was getting.

“Kuai Liang, you are clearly suffering,” Scorpion continued, sounding so much like Hanzo that if Kuai closed his eyes he could see his Husband standing in that place. “I merely want to help you.”

“I understand that, but-“ Kuai stopped himself, hating how much his voice was shaking. He hated everything about this, the way Scorpion was trying so hard and the way Kuai’s heart wanted him so badly. The way he felt so guilty for that. “Scorpion, you mean well, I appreciate that but you need to understand, that right now, you are merely a reminder of what I lost.”

As Kuai lifted his head to finally look at the spectre, what little of Scorpion’s face that was visible had dropped instantly. He’d clearly never considered the possibility his presence could hurt more than help. Kuai almost felt bad that he had to tell him so bluntly.

“I know you want to help, but every time I look at you I just think of all the things we will never have.” Kuai finally let go of his shirt. “Looking at you hurts. Accepting your comfort feels like I am betraying my Hanzo.”

Widowed, and a little less faithful.

“I never meant-“ Scorpion looked like he was panicking. His head was shaking, and he was waving his hands as if trying to stop something. “I’m sorry, I was unaware my presence was unwelcome.”

Kuai rubbed one of his biceps, feeling awful for having to push Scorpion away like this. He sighed, stepped forward and placed a hand on Scorpion’s shoulder. He lent in and pressed his lips on the skin between Scorpion’s brow. When he pulled back, even in Scorpion’s cloudy eyes, he could see every emotion he was feeling at that moment. The pain and longing Kuai himself felt.

“I’m sorry,” Kuai started, “it’s not your fault. But right now, I need space.” Kuai let go of Scorpion and stepped back. “I promise, I’m not dismissing a friendly relationship in the future. I will find you, if I feel I need to.”

Scorpion’s head sagged down, eyes closing. “I understand. I’m sorry.”

Before Kuai could say any more, Scorpion disappeared into a tornado of flame. As the fire and dust settled, Kuai was left once more alone. He closed his eyes and rubbed his hand over his face. He felt terrible, but he knew if he was ever going to heal he needed to be away from the ghost of his past.

He turned back to the shrine. Hanzo, please forgive me. He let his fingers lace the name carved into the stone. I didn’t mean to hurt him, to hurt you, but… he grimaced and tried to ignore the fresh tears streaming down his cheeks.

Please, just come back to me.

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