I Am Machine

Kuai stared down at his hands. They looked normal, human, made of flesh and bone. Normal. Perfectly normal.

So, why when he looked at them did he get a sinking feeling?

He still remembered what it was like, being a cyborg. Feeling completely detached from his own body. The metal had not been him, it had been someone else, a puppet he was just piloting. Not able to feel pain, someone could have stabbed him and it barely registered. He hadn’t even felt himself die, he just faded away.

That feeling of not owning his body never really went away, even after his human form was returned to him. Because this body was created by Quan Chi, who was to say it was even his. It was just some construct, and even though this body had feelings and sensations, it didn’t mean it wasn’t just another puppet.

He was a parasite. A machine that had deluded itself into thinking it was human.

His hands were in his lap. They were his hands, he knew they were, they were attached to his body. But were they his? He stared at the backs, looking at a knuckle. Did I always have that mole? He turned them, looking at how cracked his palms were. Were they always so dry and damaged?

His eyes trailed along his arms, and he just couldn’t stop noticing things that he swore weren’t there before. A scar across his wrist. More moles he swore weren’t his. Were my veins always so visible? This was just his arms. He didn't dare look in the mirror, who knew what stranger would be staring back at him. He never used to be so old and grey, he never used to have such scarring on his face, he never used to have wrinkles.

You're ageing. It didn’t seem to help telling himself that fact over and over on repeat. It was natural, you got old and your body changed. Yet every new difference he noticed, seemed to feed that feeling. This was not his body. His body did not have these flaws. His body was stolen from him when he was converted.

I am machine.

The veins were bothering him. Something seemed wrong with them. They were too pronounced. He pressed down, feeling at the area. It did everything a fleshy body part should, depressed as his fingers dug in, sprung back once the pressure was removed. He could feel a cold sweat coming over him. Something was wrong.

He had to be sure.

He created a knife made of ice in one hand, holding his arm out, facing up. He hovered the knife over it, holding his breath as he began to dig it against his flesh. The good news was, he felt the pain. That at least meant he could feel something in this body. He kept going, clenching his teeth. Blood began to gush out of the wound, and a strange feeling came over him when he realised it was just blood. He’d expected oil or the strange antifreeze mix he’d bled as a cyborg. He’d assumed the cut would reveal wires buried under his skin, but there was nothing.

It was just… Human.

“Kuai Liang.”

Kuai jumped at the voice, head darting up. Hanzo stood in the doorway, his eyes wide and breathing uneven. Honestly, Kuai had never seen him look so horrified and distressed before. He wondered what had happened.

“Kuai Liang, please put down the knife,” Hanzo pleaded, holding his hand out as if to placate him.

Somehow, it was like Kuai snapped back to reality. Suddenly it dawned on him just what this probably looked like from Hanzo’s eyes. A suicide attempt. Self harm. No wonder he looked so disturbed.

“I- I wasn’t-” Kuai crushed the knife, holding his own hands up to show Hanzo he stopped. “This is a misunderstanding.”

“A misunderstanding?” Hanzo whispered, in a confused tone. He immediately made his way over to Kuai Liang, taking the arm he’d just cut open. “How exactly is me walking in on you cutting yourself a misunderstanding?”

“I wasn’t trying to hurt myself,” Kuai claimed, although hadn’t that been part of it? To make sure he could still feel pain? “I- I was trying to see if I am human.”

“Snowflake, there are far better ways to do that than this.” Hanzo inspected the cut, grimacing. Now Kuai looked at it, he realised he went far deeper than he’d intended. “I think you’re going to need stitches.”

“Oh.” And now that was a brand new problem, because Kuai hated going to the healers at the best of times. Having to explain how he got this particular injury would be awkward at best, and result in unnecessary concern at worst.

“What were you expecting to see?” Hanzo gently asked, placing a handkerchief over the wound to at least stop some of the bleeding for now.

“I don’t know,” Kuai admitted, letting Hanzo guide him to stand up. They began to make their way towards the door, Hanzo’s arm around his waist the entire time. “My veins didn’t look right, I thought they were… wires.”

Hanzo made a soft but wounded noise. “You aren’t a cyborg anymore Kuai Liang.”

“But what if I am?” No matter how far he’d come, that thought still lingered in the back of his mind. “This isn’t my body, Hanzo.”

Hanzo just gave him a sorrowful look. One that indicated he knew there was absolutely nothing he could say to fix this situation. It killed Kuai inside to know Hanzo was pained over being unable to help him.

Kuai gently sobbed, “I am machine.”

“You are human,” Hanzo said desperately, stopping in the corridor to hold Kuai’s face. “You are human.” Hanzo closed his eyes, pulling Kuai’s face to his and resting their foreheads against each other. “I know there is nothing I can say to convince you. But please. If you trust me at all, trust that I would not lie to you about something like that.”

Kuai Liang did trust Hanzo, he trusted him with his every being. No matter his own feelings, he did know Hanzo wouldn’t lie.

“I’m sorry,” Kuai hiccuped slightly, feeling tears welling in his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

Hanzo reached around him, pulling Kuai into a strong hug. Kuai rested his head on Hanzo’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around Hanzo’s back.

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Hanzo assured him, squeezing so slightly Kuai almost lost his breath. “This isn’t your fault. This was never your fault.”

They broke the embrace, but Hanzo kept his hands on Kuai Liang, as if somehow just a mere touch would keep him grounded in reality. Kuai wasn’t sure about that, but it did reassure him. And right now? That was enough.

“Come, let’s get this seen to.” Hanzo pulled on Kuai’s arm slightly to get him moving again. Kuai sighed, resting his head on Hanzo’s shoulder as they walked. “It’s okay. Everything will be okay.”

Kuai wanted to believe that. He wanted to believe one day he could look at himself in the mirror and not see a stranger staring back at him. He wanted to one day forget what it was like to be made of metal.

Maybe one day, he really would be human again.

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